Bellport, Long Island:
Fans of jam bands are coming from across the region this weekend to have a good time and visit the sunny shore. The only thing that could threaten the occasion is wooks—the new generation that comes to festivals to do drugs and avoid paying taxes.

This year, festival organizers have taken extra steps to ensure a good concert experience for those well behaved. A company called Rainbow Dome is implementing a five-point plan to answer the hippie question. As spokesman Bill Conner explains, “These kids who have nothing better to do than follow drug bands are the reason concert tickets are so high. We aim to have that problem liquidated by 2028.”

Step 1: “Borders”

Barbed wire and Texas border-style razor buoys along the waterfront. Hippies love nothing more than crashing a gate. That’s why we have added electric fencing topped with the same razor wire used in prisons and ICE detention facilities. For shoreline music festivals, razor buoys like the ones that came loose and clogged up the Rio Grande last week can be floated.

Step 2: “Tech”

Mass surveillance doesn’t have to stop at Flock and Ring cameras. This year we have autonomous flying drones with behavioral and facial recognition. The average security guard isn’t trained in differentiating one white guy with dreads from another. With AI in the sky, authorities get help in building a profile on possible undesirables. If someone attempts to bum a cigarette or light a marijuana that didn’t come from the vendor village, police are automatically dispatched. Checkpoints will be set up following a dramatic 10 p.m. forced removal from the parking lot. Either move your car and get a DWI or it’s getting towed.

Step 3: “Gunman”

Three-story guard towers with police and contractors watch from behind long guns. If that’s not enough to make you feel safe, they’re loaded with rock salt to take out the nitrous oxide balloons. One shot can pop up to 10 balloons and give everyone in an 8-foot radius a nice peppering that’ll make them think twice about the dangers of drugs.

Step 4: “Ushers”

An army of ushers is ready to help regulate your every decision. Hand-picked from retired teachers and librarians, these senior citizens are experts with technology like the ticket scanner and radio. We thoroughly screen all our employees to make sure they don’t use music even on their own time. We only want professionals who don’t tolerate foolish young people.

Step 5: “Tarpy Settler Colonialism”

As part of the final step to assure a joyful festival experience, we are asking the rule-supporting patrons to come early and bring a tarp, chair, and parasol. The space between the soundboard and stage is the main gathering place where the wooks frantically spin around and stand with no regard for the people who sat there since the opening singer-songwriter at 11:30 a.m. This is the first line of defense against the smelly hordes. Please help by reporting them to 911.